Good Parent

A lot of us as parents often wonder how to strike the balance between being a "fun" parent and being a good parent.

How much freedom should we be giving our children, and how do we make them understand without looking like a complete jerk to them?

Any advice for the rest of us, or are you just as confused as I am!

2coolmom

Great question and a tough one as well. In our family we try to have a night where I go out with one of the kids for a fun night and then dad goes out another time with one of them. Anyway, we alternate that with family activities as well. This shows the kids we can have fun and gives us some one on one time with them.

Good Parent

2coolmom: That sounds like a great idea to me, and i'll run it by my wife to see if we can try to do something like that as well. We both play board games and video games with the children, so that's something already!

I will let you know how everything goes

BabyFaada

I like your idea there coolmom. It sounds 'cool'. My kids already consider me half-crazy and my youngest child thinks that I'm the house mascot. However no matter how much 'fun' you are, especially when they are older teens, parents are going to butt heads with their kids and although you KNOW you're doing the right thing, they are not going to see it, much less agree and you 'll feel like a 'jerk'.

Horse

I've found - for my family at least - that balance is key. I feel it important to have a good relationship with my kids. I like getting along with them, and I like it when they keep me in the loop regarding their lives.

At the same time, I understand - and I make sure they understand - that it isn't my duty to be their friend. It's my duty to be their father. When it comes down to a choice between being 'fun' and doing what I have to do, they know that I'm a parent first. They have this expectation of me. They can be willful, they can be disobedient, but they know that I'll choose their wellbeing over their happiness any day of the week. Sometimes this does put a strain on our relationship in the short term... but it's how it has to be.

MommyDearest

I think you put that so well, Horse. There was much newspaper coverage in the UK recently when Fergie (Prince Andrew's ex-wife/Duchess of York) was reported to have said that she considers her two daughters her 'best friends' and that she loved to go out clubbing with them. Personally, I find that a little cringe-making!

I do wonder, though, whether the statement 'My daughter/mother is my best friend' is really what they mean?

Maybe they mean that they consider their daughter (and it does seem only to be mothers and daughters who use this phrase loosely) as 'close'.

My daughter and I are close. We always got on well and she was never a problem child (which helps!) but on the odd occasion when she did try to assert her growing independence but I considered that perhaps she was trying to run before she could walk, I would talk to her sensibly and without anger and found she would listen.

If children respect a parent then they are more likely to want to please them. If a parent tries to be 'best pals' purely because they want their children to like them, then they are treading a rocky road, I think.

Horse

The thing is, children learn from us - not only what we try to teach, but from watching us. If we act all buddy-buddy without the limits and restrictions of a parent-child relationship, we create expectations within them that we are a peer.

We are not their peers. We are authority figures. That may sound draconian, but it really isn't. I give my kids the freedoms they need - especially the freedom to make and learn from their mistakes - while keeping them safe from the kind of mistakes that do more damage than good.

My primary job, as parent, is prepare my kids to thrive without me as adults, and being their friend won't help me do that.

DaisyJo

I haven't hit that stage yet so it's all speculation. When I was growing up and I would dislike something one of my parents said, they'd simply tell me "I'm your mother, not your best friend". I think it's so true. We're here as parents, we're meant to take on the role of protector and teacher. Bieng a friend is great too, only if it doesn't interfere with bieng a parent.

I will be the authority, not my child. But that doesn't mean I will have total rule. It just means I will have the final say. That said, kids do need to learn from their mistakes, so if I feel he or she won't be in immediate danger, I just may say OK to what they want.

I don't want to be the fun parent. I want to be the good parent.