Nana Lori

Hope this was the place to post this. Just wondering if anyone else is in this position. We 'lost' a child (at four months a girl), 27 years ago, and I still after all this time, of course long for that baby, but when someone asks how many kids do you have, I say, 'two', but my heart says 'three'. I've a time or two early on said, 'we have two but lost one as well' that just makes people uncomfortable. But when I say 'two' all these years later, there is a little guilt or something there. Anyone else feel this way that has lost a baby?

kidatheart

I have never had anyone close to me lose a child (after birth that is). And anyone that I have known distant still understands the guilt that you speak of. I know its not good news to hear that someone lost their child, but I still think that honesty is the best policy. I think the only people that get uncomfortable are the ones that are shocked to hear it, like most, but they are more shocked not by the news, but more so of how to reply.

PurpleFDU

My mom lost a child at 5 months when I was about 9 years old. It would have been the son my dad always wanted. When it was discovered they lost him my parents named him and everything, and we have his hospital bracelet packed away with the photo albums. I was more attached to the idea of having a little brother than I would have thought, and it still makes me very sad all these years later. I too found that saying you have a sibling that never made it makes people uneasy, but many people don't deal with the idea of death. We still remember his birthday, and its something that isn't far from my mind when I think about having kids, but its not something most people want to hear about. It does make you guilty to not talk about it, but forcing people to deal with death isn't pleasant either. I'm sorry to hear of your loss, but I try to remember that sometimes nature knows better than we do.

DiaperFactory

I am so sorry that you lost your child, and still suffer pain all these years later. I almost lost the twins early on, and at that time I was totally distraught. My first baby (as I didn't know there was two) and gone before I knew them.

I didn't have to face that in the end, and so I can never honestly know how you feel. But the guilt is understandable. Amongst my parenting community there is an acknowledged groups of mummies without babies. Although many have no other children they remain an important part of our community for the support that they can and do receive.

It's good to remember that there was another life, and it's ok to tell people that too. I would not tell strangers-rather telling them something like "I have two surviving children" and leaving it at that. If they ask, tell them, if not they know you had another and are choosing to not acknowledge it-it's not you denying your child existed.

amoeba

I think that you hit that nail on the head. It would be harder to tell a stranger, or someone you have just recently met. I think that people in general tell too much when they first met to start with. Unless it is someone that you have just fell in love with, for the rest of your life, I would not get that deep into a conversation for quite sometime.